Inspired by the Nina Doc

I have to start this one with an apology. I have neglected this site for a long time. I don't feel bad about it because I've been incredibly busy but for anyone who was hoping for some consistent content, to you I apologize. I can say from experience writing for and managing blogs in the past it takes quite a long time to come back from such a hiatus but seeing as though my readership according to google analytics were probably 50% ad bots from Russia and people who stumbled on my page on the way to somethings else...yeah. Anyway I'm back to talk about this documentary that I just got finished watching called What Happened Miss Simone. If you read any previous posts, one of the first was "5 Black History Figures Who Didn't Fight the Feeling" and Nina Simone was on that list. The documentary I just watched certainly cemented her on that list in my eyes. I'm not going to write a review and I'm not going to tell you my opinion about it. I did find it entertaining but the doc really just inspired me to share with you a story about my personal dealings with mental health. I know its a taboo subject. It's embarrassing to talk about freely because, its just is, I don't know but I think more people sharing their stories is a good thing and could possibly help someone.

Few people know this but a couple of years ago I left Savannah College of Arts and Design without graduating. I just left. I left the town and days later came back to get my shit. For about 3 months prior I was consistently feeling sick when I wasnt sick, couldnt eat, could barely sleep, had two jobs but was barely making rent had an unstable and unpredictable drifter drug dealing roommate and a graduate thesis that I could not focus on no matter how hard I tried for all the aforementioned reasons. Life wasn't coming together it was steadily feeling like it was falling apart. I remember walking the streets of Savannah and seeing a young homeless man and thinking. "I can see how he got there, like that could be me". I contemplated suicide and that was the most terrifying thought I have ever had. I knew I could't spend any more time where I was and that I need to be around people I knew and loved and trusted. When I returned home I thought things would immediately get better. Naw life doesnt work like that. Feeling of complete failure, Family issues, friend issues, panic attacks, continued for about 6 months after that and continued but were manageable for about 3 months after. That was my 2013. I felt that my entire philosophy on life was a farce and that my adoption of the ideal of fearless pursuit of your passion would lead you down a path of irreversible mental illness. It was terrifying. I thought my desire to become an artist and musician was the reason I was dealing with this. Oh and not to mention I didn't think I had the talent to be anything more than possibly mediocre. So needless to say I was very conflicted. I went from a guy who was supremely positive and confident in my abilities and willing to work on the things I wasn't good at to a cynical negative completely debilitated person with zero confidence and afraid that even if I decided to push through the lack of confidence and pursue my passion anyway than I would go crazy on the way. Very conflicted.

So how did I recover? Good question. But the how isn't important and its a longer and way more complex story that I am willing to go into right now. I will say that fortunately for me I had a 2 people that were willing to be there for me or else I could have been in a psych ward or homeless and that is why I am supremely thankful for my mother and sister. I can say that I came out of this situation stronger, more passionate, unafraid, faithful, loving, appreciative. Everything I thought I had lost forever, I got back plus some. I reconnected with my faith and became a practicing Christian again which has been interesting and still a daily struggle. I definitely came out of this with some scars. The awareness of the importance of my mental health is now a very real thing. I keep a very tight friendship circle now a days. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing but I wont let a buzzfeed article tell one way or another no matter how they try. I learned that passion if its really passion will never leave you alone and talent doesn't leave you. I learned that whatever I want to do in life is going to require a sacrifice but when you are in pursuit of something empty with no meaning and ultimately unsatisfying and you find yourself sacrificing the same things you would for your passion it becomes incredibly frustrating and not worth it. I learned that if I have to bust my ass to have a career I dont want, I might as well bust my ass to pursue a career I do want. Ultimately I found out that a life devoid of fear is freedom as Nina Simone stated in the documentary and that's all that matters.

I know there are holes in the story and let me tell you, Its a crazy fucking good story. I could write an entire book on my experiences and encounters and situations that led to my depression and the subsequent recovery. If you want to hear the story in detail hit me up, we can talk. If you want to share a similar situation, hit the comments and I'll get back with you. Either way I am back to the blogging. Thanks for reading.

Oh and check out the documentary. It is really good.

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